Well, I called it. They’re bringing back Roseanne. Kind of. They’re bringing back “The Conners,” which is everyone on the show but Roseanne. Think Garfield without Garfield but instead of just one gay man it’s like three or four and a couple of lesbians and a black baby. I think the black baby is named Odie so my comparison is true in many ways.
It pretty much goes without saying that bringing the show back without Roseanne is a ploy by ABC to posture as anti-Trumpist without giving up all that sweet advertising cash that said Trumpism courts through viewership (they’re cowards). But that shit doesn’t bother me. It’s just business. In fact, my only problem with the Roseanne-reboot-reboot is that it will never be able to address the underlying conflict, question, and spirit of the show: does Dan have bigger nipples than Roseanne? This was one of the key through-lines on the series, and it kept people watching week after week. Is this the nipple episode, we’d ask ourselves. Fuck, I guess we’ll find out on the next one.
I’m just joshing everyone. I’m joshing around. The biggest problem they face is explaining the disappearance of Roseanne. And they won’t do it well, because they can’t. They couldn’t come up with an explanation for the reappearance of Dan even though they killed him off in the last season of the original run. Luckily I’m a television writer, so I’ve listed a couple of my ideas, and if they use any of these on the show they owe me money.
- She’s get’s Knock Out Gamed
Okay I know this one seems simple but hear me out – she’s not knock out gamed by black teens. In fact Dan will get the call that Roseanne is dead, punched to death by wildin’ boys, and the whole family will assume it was black teens just like you did. Even ole pussy-muching aunt Jackie will become a little bit racist. But then the surprise twist – it was actually white men. Grown white men, from Wall Street, who are straight by the way. And then all is made right when they confirm what we all know to be true – that white men are bad and only white men are bad, but that brief moment in which we thought black teens were at fault for killing Roseanne gives us some insight into Roseanne’s mindset, and we can have some empathy for the character, even though she was wrong, and deserved to die.
- Her Racism Makes Her Attempt To Out Eat Kobayashi
We never really got into Roseanne’s anti-Japanese sentiment in the series but I think this would be a good way for her to go. She can spend the first act yelling about a trade war with China and then she travels to Coney Island where she shits herself to death trying to cram hot dogs in her mouth to bring back the Harley Davidson factories.
- She’s Killed By Burning Kites On Birthright
Roseanne’s tough. She can make breakfast for her kids and call her goth daughter a lesbian. She can handle herself in this world. But can she handle herself in Israel? Roseanne wins a trip to the moheland in one of those raffles next to the new Chevy Malibu in the mall, but things take a turn for the worst when her girthy American hubris becomes her downfall. “Krav Maga? How about crab rangoon?” she snorts, pulling Chinese food out of her pussy as she defiantly mocks the IDF instructor on birthright, begging her to take the threat of Gazan children seriously.
- She Gets Run Over By A Christian Ice Cream Truck
And we think we learned a lesson about how Christians do theÂ most truck running overs of people but then it turns out the guy justÂ happened to be Christian and he was doing it because he wanted to make some point about childhood obesity, and Roseanne’s old lady haircut and tired eyes made him think he was running over a seven year old stout Korean boy.
- Molested To Death By David Geffen
Same Korean boy issue but this time its molestation. This one is mostly for me.
- There’s A Family Trip To Saudi Arabia
They take a family trip to Saudi Arabia to prove to Roseanne that Arabs are just like us. Roseanne insists on driving the rental car to get raw hot dogs for the hotel room (for her mouth and pussy). After becoming frustrated when the fourth grocery store explains they don’t have hot dogs considering they’re all muslim and they don’t eat pork, her blood sugar gets fucked up and she smashes her car into one of those radicalizing mosques, accidentally killing the young terrorist boy from the C storyline. Women are no longer allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia and she never learns her lesson about hot dogs.